Why, yes, friends, I did watch that so-called "Democratic debate". And, you know what, it was neither Democratic nor a debate.
And that's what I loved about it! I think I had an epiphany - my mother, who's convinced she did something wrong when I came out of the liberal closet as a constitutionalist, will be so proud. I decided: I WANT TO BE A SOCIALIST, TOO! I mean, Bernie and Hil made it seem so cool, so millennial, so...NOW. Who needs those down-and-dirty Republicans now that the grown ups have made their appearance? I always hated being at the kids' table when I was younger. The grown up table was the place for me.
That debate was a literal free for all. Bernie and Hil were battling each other to see who could top the other with "free for all" programs for all of us who haven't been smart enough to fleece the system to provide our families with generational wealth. This doesn't really apply to Bernie, of course, because he's a true believer. He was an avowed Socialist before Hil made it cool and...mainstream.
I need a program for free college. I have four boys. How the hell am I supposed to pay for that? Free College. Yeah! Paid for by the Clintons, the Zuckerbergs and, if I'm really lucky, The Koch Brothers. Love it.
And, you know what, evil corporations that are stealing money from us little guys really do need to share their profits. Who the hell do they think they are? Keeping the cash they make overseas to protect it from American taxation. How the hell are we supposed to pay for the massive infrastructure requirements we have, the public (union) jobs it will create? Seize some of that money for the public good! While we're at it, screw that Citizens United group, whoever the hell they are. Corporations should not be able to control our electoral process. Unions are ok because they represent us little guys, but not those corporations governed by CAPITALISTS! Power to the people!
What about those banks and those hedge fund dudes and Goldman Sachs (sounds Jewish, yes?). I think we should take a $300 billion Wells Fargo, for instance, and break it into six $50 billion mini Wells Fargos. What? A $50 billion bank isn't big enough for you? They would be more responsive to the needs of disadvantaged consumers and would provide our Hil with six places to go for campaign contributions, not just one!
How 'bout those foreign policy pronouncements? Who needs those pesky foreigners anyway? Unless, of course, they're here illegally, should be given free college and Obamacare and picture ID's so they can vote for us, Socialistas! But I digress. Do we even NEED a foreign policy for Hil'sHil's first term? I think not. We're going to be waaaay toooo bussssy working on ways to give away FREE STUFF and busting apart greedy corporations to pay for it.
I was all for that confiscation, I mean, repatriation tax, on all that American capital sitting overseas. But then I heard through the OccupyDemocrats grapevine that much of that money belonged - sorry, was in the temporary custody - of companies like Apple, Google and other high tech, Cali businesses. Dude, we cannot start seizing - whoa, I meant taxing - stuff from Tim Cook, who's, well, progressive and with us and those three cool Google dudes who love Obama.
Oh my God, and those emails! Thank goodness the Bern did the right thing and say what all of us were thinking, but couldn't express so eloquently. I have no business running for President, I have no chance in hell, so I might as well suck up to the Hil, and see if I can end up as Secretary of Free Housing and Urban Redevelopment. Bernie, you are one sweet, self sacrificing loon and you will be rewarded. In this life or the next.
I'm pretty sure there were a couple of other dudes on the stage, but I literally have no clue who they were or what the hell they were doing up there. Hil took that shaggy Bernie and snapped that dog collar around his neck. Like the rabbit whose only job in a track race is to set a brisk pace for the favorites, so Bernie - in true Socialist fashion - sacrificed himself for The Greater Good. He told Uncle Joe: don't even think about messing with Her Royal Hillness! And despite his shared ideology with the oppressed Cherokee, Big Squaw Warren, Bernie laid down the law to her, too: don't even think about trying to out-Socialize HRH. If she can out-left me (even though I let her, of course), she will turn you into bread pudding.
So, that's it, Bernie. Nice work. Pick up your Clinton Global Initiative honorarium at the door. And, yes, your membership requires no further donation and is good until your bones are buried deep within that socialist Vermont soil. Or East New York where the Big Bang of American Socialism occurred. The Bern is finito. Cooked. Done.